Quotations from Mark Twain, 1835-1910
- Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
The Facts Concerning the Recent Resignation [1867]- Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do...play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer [1876], ch. 2- To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing.
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer [1876], ch. 22- A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.
Letter to Annie Webster [September 1, 1876]- We haven't all had the good fortune to be ladies; we haven't all been generals, or poets, or statesmen; but when the toast works down to the babies, we stand on common ground.
Answering a toast, "To the babies,"at a banquet in honor of General U. S. Grant [November 14, 1879]- Sired by a hurricane, dam'd by an earthquake.
Life on the Mississippi [1883], ch. 3- I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
Life on the Mississippi [1883], ch. 6- All the modern inconveniences.
Life on the Mississippi [1883], ch. 43- War talk by men who have been in a war is always interesting; whereas moon talk by a poet who has not been in the moon is likely to be dull.
Life on the Mississippi [1883], ch. 45- Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
ceBy Order of the Author.
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn [1884]. Notice- Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And ain't that a big enough majority in any town?
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn [1884]. ch. 26- Tell the truth or trump -- but get the trick.
Pudd'nhead Wilson [1894]. Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar, ch. 1- Adam was but human -- this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden.
Pudd'nhead Wilson [1894]. Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar, ch. 2- Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Pudd'nhead Wilson [1894]. Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar, ch. 5- One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Pudd'nhead Wilson [1894]. Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar, ch. 7- The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
Pudd'nhead Wilson [1894]. Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar, ch. 8- Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
Pudd'nhead Wilson [1894]. Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar, ch. 9- When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
Pudd'nhead Wilson [1894]. Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar, ch. 10- Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
Pudd'nhead Wilson [1894]. Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar, ch. 12- If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Pudd'nhead Wilson [1894]. Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar, ch. 16- It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.
Pudd'nhead Wilson [1894]. Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar, ch. 19- It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
Following the Equator [1897]. vol. I, Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar, ch. 8- Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
Following the Equator [1897]. vol. I, Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar, ch. 10- We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
Following the Equator [1897]. vol. I, Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar, ch. 11- It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
Following the Equator [1897]. vol. I, Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar, ch. 20- Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
Following the Equator [1897]. vol. II, ch. 12- Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
Following the Equator [1897]. vol. II, ch. 30- The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
Cable from London to the Associated Press [1897]- In Boston they ask, How much does he know? In New York, How much is he worth? In Philadelphia, Who were his parents?
What Paul Bourget Thinks of Us [1899]- A powerful agent is the right word. Whenever we come upon one of those intensely right words in a book or a newspaper the resulting effect is physical as well as spiritual, and electrically prompt.
Essay on William Dean Howells [1906]- The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to the other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot.
What Is Man? [1906], ch. 6- Customs do not concern themselves with right or wrong or reason. But they have to be obeyed; one reasons all around them until he is tired, but he must not transgress them, it is sternly forbidden.
The Gorky Incident [1906]- Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped, but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment.
The Gorky Incident [1906]- Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
Europe and Elsewhere [1925]. Corn Pone Opinions- Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Notebooks [1935]- Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
Inscription beneath his bust in the Hall of Fame.
© All rights reserved